I’ve heard it in warehouses, finance departments, sales teams, and compliance offices. Different industries, different levels, same frustrated comment from managers: “They act like children.” It’s usually said with exhaustion, not contempt.
A manager dealing with an employee who melts down over feedback. A team leader watching grown professionals avoid difficult conversations. A department head wondering why intelligent people seem so emotionally reactive.
After years observing these dynamics in others and myself, I’ve learnt something important: When a manager says “they act like children,” they’re actually describing something real about how human nervous systems works. Including their own.
What’s Really Happening?
Every person has two systems running simultaneously:
The thinking part: This is the logical brain. It plans, decides, solves problems, and analyses. It’s what we associate with “being professional” and “acting like an adult.”
The emotional part: This lives in the nervous system. It reacts quickly and often before we think. It carries patterns from earlier in life: old stress responses, fears, insecurities, the need to prove ourselves, or avoid criticism.
The key is that the emotional part doesn’t always know the difference between “then” and “now”, and these two can get mixed up. This is true for everyone.
The warehouse worker. The finance manager. The lawyer. The person sitting in the boardroom.
People don’t leave their nervous systems at home.
A present-day work situation can trigger an old emotional pattern, even when it makes no logical sense:
• Feedback feels like childhood criticism
• A manager’s firm tone activates old fear of authority
• A tight deadline triggers “I must not fail” panic
• A small mistake creates outsized shame or anxiety
• Being overlooked in a meeting touches a deep insecurity
The thinking brain knows it’s just work. But the nervous system is reacting to something deeper and older. Don’t take my word for it. Do your own research.
The Shift
When managers understand that reactions often come from the nervous system, and not necessary or only – character flaws or incompetence, a lot can shift.
You can:
• Recognise when someone is overwhelmed vs. difficult
• Notice your own stress patterns before they impact others
• Build a calmer, clearer team culture
• Respond thoughtfully instead of reacting
• Communicate in ways that don’t trigger unnecessary fear
• Set clear expectations without creating panic
This isn’t about being soft or lowering standards. It’s about understanding how humans work in principle – this is a complex field – and be able to lead more effectively without burning yourself out in the process.
My story
I’ve noticed that the managers saying “they act like children” are often overwhelmed themselves. They’re managing up, managing down, putting out fires, hitting targets, and wondering why everyone around them seems so difficult. But their own nervous system is maxed out. And when you’re running on stress, everyone else’s reactions feel more irritating, more personal, more exhausting.
I saw this in myself too.
Three project managers phoned me at once. All trying to convince me to do something. Rationally, I knew they were just doing their jobs. But I felt myself getting defensive, cagey, resistant. My nervous system was reacting to the pressure before my logical brain could process what they were actually asking for.
Now, looking back I know, I was doing exactly what I’d seen in others. The feeling of being cornered, of needing to protect myself, of resisting before even fully listening. It wasn’t about them. It was about my nervous system responding to what felt like threat. Even though there was no real danger.
The main question is then: “How do I manage my own nervous system so I can think clearly and lead well?”
What This Means for You?
If you’re a manager feeling overwhelmed, if you’re close to burnout, on sick leave, or just exhausted by the emotional weight of leadership, you might be experiencing what happens when we don’t understand how our nervous systems work under prolonged pressure.
Leadership isn’t just about managing tasks and people. It’s about managing our own internal state so we can be steady, clear, and effective.
When you understand this, and I mean really understand it, work becomes less about controlling others and more about creating the conditions where everyone (including yourself) can actually function well.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, wondering why everything feels so hard, or recognising these patterns in yourself or your team, drop me a message via LinkedIn. I work with managers who are navigating these challenges, helping them understand what’s happening beneath the surface and find a calmer, clearer way forward.
Momentum Coaching - Aldona Frelik 